Go Forth & Nerd! Ep. 43 - Diet of a Nerdy Kid
Diet of a Nerdy Kid
Welcome back to Go Forth the nerd my name this is Jesse Bray also known as Mr. Bray and I am your resident nerd.
So in today's episode I'm going to share with you some comical yet personally embarrassing stories -all that said if bodily functions make you malfunction or if you’re currently snacking nows the time maybe to take a break on that grub. So without further delay...
Diet of a Nerdy Kid
I love junk food! Seriously! Always have! I just love food that's bad for me. From 7-eleven taquitos to fourth meal Taco Bell I’m hardly the perfect picture of health. However as I’ve gotten older these foods have caught up with me. Mad cravings for delicious trash food aside myself and my family are somewhat cursed with two maladies. The first isn’t surprising -ye ol’ Diabetes. Yep I have type 2 diabetes plus many of my family members also have diabetes: shoveling in mass quantities of processed fats and fancy corn syrups for decades is bound to take its toll. And my second personal and family aliment of fine American living is IBS aka Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
I wanna pause and say this:
Now Diabetes technically isn’t a joking matter, its a real disease that plagues millions. However, since I have Type 2 diabetes I figure I’m free to poke fun at how I caught this thing that no longer lets me binge on easter candy. However it does mean that a suicidal snickers pie is a passive yet real threat.
I’m not gonna lie I wish I could blame it on advertising, like from those single issue comics pushing everything from sea monkeys to beef jerky. But it’s really that I just have an insane sweet tooth. Basically everyone in my family does. But like all things here on Go Forth & Nerd theres a story behind my discovery. I found out that I had diabetes from an insurance agent. Ok let me backup. When I was 28yrs old I had to do some adulting and get a life insurance policy - mostly so my wife and fam could put me in something a notch better than a pine box when I kill over.
Rabbit trail - my dream funeral prep if I ever get the money is to be frozen in a cryo-tank like the rumored Walt Disney or Fry from Futurama. It’s a ridiculous dream but maybe some day I’d wake up and our alien or robot overlords might wanna ask me about pointless Superman trivia. I dunno, a man can dream.
Anyhoo back to discovering I had diabetes from my insurance agent. So I went to get my insurance policy and they required a medical examination something I wasn’t expecting. As in your agent saying great here’s your life insurance policy now pee in this cup oh and lets draw some blood! Short rabbit trail for another podcast I have a uber weird blood phobia but seriously that’s for another episode.
So the insurance agent says we’ll send someone over to your house to do all the medical stuff etc… Well the night before my insurance medical appointment was Halloween, we hung out with some buddies, watched a ton of Mystery Science Theatre and ate a truck load of candy. I ended up eating myself sick - which used to be a common thing for me and you’d think after 10yrs old I’d have learned my lesson. So next morning what couldn’t have been a worse time to check my blood sugars low and behold she said “your diabetic” which entered my whole 5 stages of grief denial, bargaining etc.. and finally acceptance. I didn’t have to look further back than the previous night to know I was partying till I was purple like Patrick Starfish from Sponge Bob square pants. It was a wake up call so I decided to cut back on all the foods stuff I loved and to my wife’s pure jealously I shed the pounds like I was a skinny man removing a fat suit. Now if you’re guessing i’m going to flip this episode into me telling you about the power of carrots sorry dude look elsewhere- to me a carrot is just a crunchy vehicle for peanut butter. Which peanut butter is a whole food group in my book. The point is that I’ve got diabetes. Lots of people do, nerds and non nerds alike. And that’s ok! I’m luckier than most because I found out while young enough that I didn’t cause as much damage than finding out later in life. But here’s the thing: I’ve pretty much never had any pull to chemical addictions outside one time where I got hooked on nicotine when I found a pack of nicotine gum inside my step-grandma’s shed. My brother and I were wondering around the property and we found this odd looking gum. We tried it and it tasted NASTY! However the next day we were like dude where’s that gum?! Anyhoo not to sound too stupid but my ridiculous comparison to my sugar addiction helps me relate to people with addictions to maybe harder stuff. I’m not a counselor or anything but the point is by sharing a silly story about how my sugar lust has upset my health. Just maybe I’ll encourage some empathy when someone has an addiction I don’t quite get. Addictions wouldn’t be a problem if it was without some sorta allure, am I right?
Well now that takes us to the not polite at the dinner table conversation part of this episode.
Irritable Bowel Syndrome or IBS
You see I used to have IBS, many of my family members still have IBS. Not sure why? Maybe genetic. Maybe because we’re junk food addicts. Maybe. I once saw an episode of Dirty Job’s with Mike Rowe where he went to a factory that makes poo. Mike Rowe asked them “why in the world would you want to make poo in a lab?” They replied that many people when given a gut bacterial transplant can cure or treat certain stomach problems like irritable bowel syndrome or crohns disease. So perhaps there is a genetic component to my stomach problems. But let’s not rule out my diet. It wasn’t as health nuts say “exist in nature” sorta foods. However, let me get into what life with irritable bowel syndrome is like. You’re basically tethered to the toilet. At any moments notice it might be an emergency. Like poop your pants emergency. Sure this is gross but thats what this episode is about. Everybody poo’s but people with IBS have a very real fear of doing this accidentally in public. Now speaking from a person that has caught third world stomach bugs there’s a chasm of difference from getting sick to needing to rush home to use the restroom every time you have a meal with friends. You’re kinda of a slave to your intestines and it interrupts your life all the time - weddings, church, BBQ’s, beach trips, it’s endless, your bowels are a respecter of no person or life events. I honestly can attest to a large portion of my life prayin “DEAR GOD’n Heaven help me find a toilet!.” There’s a brilliant episode of Seinfeld where George lists off all these premium restroom locations, like a map of the greatest toilets. And if you’re a person plague by stomach issues you scour each place for the bathroom like a frantic kid in a haunted house looking for an exist sign. All that said here’s a really embarrassing story. I title it: My Landfill Wolverine Boxers.
So this one year my brother-in-law Ken gives a Christmas gift. Being a nerdy guy I’m kinda of a super easy person to shop for. If it’s nerdy you know I’m gonna like it. However, my brother in law walks up to me with a bag and says “Hey dude I need to say this is really weird that I’m giving this to you but I think you’ll love it!” I open up the gift bag and its Wolverine boxers! I replied “Awesome!” He responded “whew so glad you like them because in my head it felt weird giving my brother-in-law a pair of underwear for Christmas”. We both laughed. But I’m a pretty shameless nerd and I thought these Wolverine boxers were truly AWESOME! Fast forward, Katie and I were eating at one of our favorite BBQ places and I had the leave to use the restroom. A couple minutes later I returned to the table and tell Katie, we need to go! Katie responds “why?” I reply “I had to throw my boxers away!” She was still a bit puzzled. I was more in the mood to just head home and I’ll tell you the story on the way. You see I had to use the urinal. And while like you normally do when you’re relieving yourself sometimes you have a little bit of gas. So like an idiot I trusted a fart. Which went all south on me and I had to throw away my underwear. Yes I’m telling this embarrassingly disgusting story! I pooped my pants at a Famous Dave’s BBQ restaurant with my wife on a Saturday afternoon! And I’m sorry Ken ol’ buddy my treasured Wolverine Christmas boxers are lying in a pile somewhere in a landfill. Well what was the lesson learned here -well outside of having ammonium on hand I took a serious health cleanse and had to take away from some of my favorite foods - i.e. bacon, and other pork products - my body just doesn’t like to dine on swine. My point is being a nerd with both diabetes for the past 6yrs and used to having IBS for over two decades I get that what goes in must come out. Some ailments we have control over some we have very little. But I want you to know hey friends it’s ok because Mr. Bray has crapped his pants in public and he’s brave enough to tell the world.
So again as always if you’d like to share with me a nerdy dietary or embarrassing story I’d love to heard it. Thank you all so much for listening and being apart of my extended Nerd family! You guys are just the best! Do take care and remember to Go Forth and Nerd!