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The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists
Welcome back to Go Forth & Nerd! My name is Jesse Bray also known as Mr. Bray and I am your resident nerd.
Today I'm going to share some extremely personal details about my life. I'd like to have an open and honest conversation about mental illness. Secondly today's episode's title is from from Eleanor Payson’s book “The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists”. an excellent book that has truly changed my life. Fyi I'm not receiving any perks to share the this book nor I am I connected to the author.
Ok so back the title of this episode:
The Wizard of Oz & other Narcissists
I read the said titled book some time ago and it has completely changed my life and relationships. The book gives categorically detailed descriptions of how to deal with toxic people and how to recognize them.
Basically the book breaks our behavior into two ideas:
Narcissistic behavior or Codependent behavior. If you can feel your college Psych 101 courses rise up like mental indigestion I apologize. What makes this book so great is that it helps people like myself deal with being codependent.
If you're incredibly privileged to talk with a skilled therapist they'll explain that some things don't make sense while you're a child that may be the root of your anxieties as an adult or might bubble up as other neuroses. For example.
Here's a silly thing I do:
I have to rinse a cup out three times before I drink from it. Yes it makes me sound nuts but one time I accidentally drank from a cup from the cupboard that had a nasty milk stain in it so I have this weird tick to always want to make sure I'm drinking from a clean glass.
Back to the book, it continues to talk about how if your wounded by a narcissistic person you respond in either a selfish narcissistic way or a selfless codependent way. There are of course varying degrees of both healthy and unhealthy codependent and narcissistic behavior. What does this have anything to do with being a nerd? I think it's really important to be honest with yourself.
As a nerd I believe it's what we like that brings us together not what we hate. Anyone can dislike something while I believe it takes courage to truly like something.
Here's a goofy confession in being honest: Katie and I were recently at target - btw I just love Target t-shirts they're some of the coolest gems. Anyhoo I spot this epic blue golden girls t-shirt and I was like "heck yes I want this shirt". Then Katie goes "ok but do you really like that show or are you a poser?" I said "um well I like Betty White!" We both laughed and I passed on my poser apparel.
Sure I could rock that t-shirt but I wasn't embracing something I loved I was just liking it because it was trendy. Not always a bad thing just for me at that moment it seemed like a silly thing to do. What does this have to do with the book I mentioned or mental illness? Well truth is I wanted to warm you up with some lighthearted pictures on honesty and quirkiness before we dive deep.
The book is filled with some very nerdy folk tale analogies such as the Cinderella child and the Rapunzel child complexes totally worth a read!
The Cinderella child talks about the child that runs the gamut of abuse by the narcissistic parent: they're treated poorly, as the family scapegoat. While the smother mother techniques of the Rapunzel child reflects the abuse of the covert narcissists, a person that is seemingly coddled by their upbringing, aka the golden child will in reality grow to having massive insecurities in life. You might be thinking at this point what the Freud is he talking about when am I gonna get to the personal stuff and how does this relate to mental illness?
Well here's the super personal details mental illness runs in my family. So in the spirit of oversharing here on go Forth and Nerd coupled with the seriously amazing catharsis I get from telling these personal stories I wanna talk about some real stuff most people don't like to talk about. That's crazy people.
In comics crazy is a prop for entertainment; the crazy vixen or the mad scientist these characters are bent and so much fun to watch. However real world crazy is not so entertaining.
I think we all have our own sorta cray cray encounters; an example might even be the homeless dude that talks to his feet and begs for change or in my case as a portlander the homeless hipster begging for responsibly sourced free trade non-gmo organic coffee with almond milk.
I wanna clarify a couple things homeless people aren't necessarily crazy some sadly are drug addicts while many are truly down on their luck. Yet if you've listened to any of my previous podcasts you know I've shared how I've been homeless multiple times in my life. Many times as a kid and even as an adult. The thing is growing up homeless I developed several ticks; another one of these tick is for many years I was the complete opposite of a hoarder. Anytime I would feel any sentimental attachment to something I'd give it away. I can't tell you how many times I've purchased a favorite comic or action figure over and over again. I even used to feel guilty when I owned stuff. It's was a strange but tortured complex that I've been slowly healing through. When Katie and I got married I could fit everything I owed in a small corner of the trunk of her car.
I also used to think I should only have best friends. As if I could only keep ride or die pals on hand. It was a unhealthy strain on my relationship since having such extremely high expectations on my friendship I was in reality setting myself for being disappointed. No one can be all things to you. Not even your best friend and spouse, and not even if they're a gifted counselor. It's not fair to you or them.
Now these quirks were part on the peculiar traits of growing up in a constant state of flux. However, many of if not most of these traits I developed were primarily in response from the behavior of my mentally ill mother. She was a fledgling model and actress, always a dreamer, incredibly likable and very eccentric. She was so immensely likable over time I met lots and lots of celebrities too! Ben Stiller, Christine Taylor, Will Ferrel, Owen Wilson, the list goes on and on. People loved my mother. Yet she had a serious ailment bubbling under her gorgeous smile and cheerful exterior. She was incapable of distinguishing fact from fiction. She honestly couldn't tell you the difference between a truth or a lie if your life depended on it. She was a full blown sociopathic narcissistic. Not only was she incapable of separating fabrication from reality she biological couldn't feel an ounce of empathy for a single living soul. Everyone and everything was an extension of her own reality. Your life was just an appendage and if she couldn't use the appendage she'd either attempt to forcefully control it or just treat it as it was dead to her. The evils she committed she would never be aware of and all her Holly Wood friends just ate it up. Basically the whole Zoolander cast were casualties of my mothers lies. My mother was so greedy for the attention she feigned an elaborate lie about having terminal cancer. Yes you heard me right! My mother was so ill in the head she told everyone that she had stage 4 terminal cancer. With her lies she was able to captivate the hearts and minds of the stars that could captivate millions. My mother directly profited from this lie. However she eventually had to commit to her story. Which is probably best told in another episode. I understand this is heavy stuff but I share this for three reasons.
Just as we need to take care of our physical health we need to in many ways take even more care of our mental health
Perhaps there's someone out there listening to this episode that has felt isolated and dealt with the abuse of narcissistic relationships and I want you to know there is a road to hope
Lastly I believe everyone deserves to find their zen and bliss in this world and in the spirit of the late Mister Rogers "I think everybody longs to be loved, and longs to know that he or she is lovable. And, consequently, the greatest thing that we can do is to help somebody know that they're loved and capable of loving."
I know this can come off kinda preachy but I'm airing some pretty dirty laundry here. So I think it's fair to tell you some truths that took me a long time to learn.
I want to thank you all so much again for listening! I truly hope this episode has inspired or encouraged you and if you feel this story would benefit a loved one please share this with them. Please feel free to send me an email if you'd like to chat or share a personal story. I know some times we just need to dry out these foul memories or experiences with another soul. Also if you've been on the fence about seeking some mental care please do prioritize your happiness you deserve it! And if you get a chance please do check of the book the Wizard of Oz and other Narcissistic! Thank all you so much again please take care and remember to Go Forth & Nerd!
Welcome back to Go Forth & Nerd! This is Jesse Bray, also known as Mr. Bray and I am your resident nerd. Today I want to talk about the creature Gollum.
Disclaimer: we're going talk about some potentially graphic and scary stuff in this podcast so if you're listening with your kiddos perhaps preview this one beforehand.
Back to Gollum. Most of us are aware of the character Gollum: from the technical CG marvel, performed by Andy Serkis in the films to the Hobbit and the Lord of The Rings to the books. However I want to talk about the potential influences and origin of this creature. I'm a huge lover of origin stories. It's often why I think many first superhero films are the best tellings. Some heroe’s beginnings are just so much more intriguing than their adventures. Except Wolverine, I love anything Wolverine. Nonetheless the “how” and the “why” is an art form.
Continuing on with Gollum, I'll be making several references to The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, however I'll do my best to not assume you're aware of all the nuances beyond the movies. The Hobbit encompasses the story of Bilbo Baggins whose on a journey with a band of dwarves to reclaim a mountain of lost treasure guarded by a dragon and he discovers a magical ring which he won from a creature named Gollum.
Now, the author of the Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien, I believe was inspired by the tale from the classic story, Beowulf.
Beowulf is a marvelous and heroic work! It could be argued as a Scandinavian equivalent to Homer's Odyssey. Many characters, events and locations were inspired from truth.
Now the Beowulf myth begins like this: there once was a king and his kinsmen that were being tormented by a creature named Grendel. This creature was a grotesque and animalistic beast, attacking at night in the great halls by violently consuming and dismembering sleeping patrons. However one night after the arrival of Beowulf the creature Grendel attacked the great hall again. Beowulf, awaiting the monster, confronts Grendel in battle. Beowulf mortally harms the creature by severing its arm. Grendel soon flees away and eventually dies of its wounds. Not long after, Grendel's mother seeking revenge for the loss of her child, retaliates on the townsfolk. Beowulf, asleep in another castle, awakes to the carnage and mayhem left by Grendel's vengeful witch-monster mother. Beowulf immediately takes off to track down Grendel's mother. In an epic duel, Beowulf - almost killed - eventually defeats Grendel's mother. Fast forward 50yrs later and Beowulf is now a king of a kingdom. Suddenly a dragon begins to terrorize the city. The dragon, aroused from its lair by a thief that stole a cup from the dragon's treasure horde. Beowulf of course defeats the dragon in a super hero-like fashion, cutting the dragon in two. The tale of Beowulf is an intensely brutal and epically exciting story!
You might have already seen some of these images that Tolkien borrowed from Beowulf just in my simple retelling. But to break this down a bit more: In the Hobbit, the book that is, Bilbo being the company’s burglar, accidentally awakes Smaug the dragon by stealing a cup from his treasure trove. Paralleling Gollum - the creature Grendel and his mother in the text were called descendants of Cain. This image here takes a few more rabbit trails to illustrate but before I get too side tracked, remember this, Tolkien was a master of linguistics: he invented whole languages for his characters. The original text of Beowulf calls Grendel's mother “modor,” meaning mother. It’s likely Tolkien just simply added an another letter "R" changing modor to mordor. Now back to the Beowulf text that says Grendel and his modor were decadents of Cain. If you're unfamiliar with this story, according to the biblical story, Cain is the firstborn son of Adam and Eve, the first humans. However Cain, in a jealous rage, killed his brother Abel. Cain is considered history’s first murderer.
Jumping to the Lord of the Rings, the Fellowship of the Rings (the book), we read the origin of Gollum. Gollum, long ago before he was corrupted by the Ring, was named Smeagol and he spent most of his time with his dear friend Deagol. However, like in both the books and the movies, Smeagol, upon his immediate lust for the Ring, kills his dear friend Deagol. This parallels Cain as the first murderer. The Ring driving Smeagol to slay his “brother” out of jealousy, so to speak.
Now you might think this is a bit of a stretch for Tolkien, but it's an important thing to note that Tolkien was a devoted Catholic and much of his writings reflect Catholic imagery and ideas in some cases even purgatory, but that's for another podcast. Tolkien was also very dear friends with the theologian and writer C.S. Lewis, author of The Chronicles of Narnia and the Screwtape Letters (a personal favorite of mine). So it's not a far-reaching thought to assume his religious thinking played part in the inspiration.
However I also have a further theory - Tolkien being a fan of literation and the idea that if Grendel and his mother were descendants of Cain, it seems logical to follow the Cain story, Cain's father was Adam. Now according to Jewish folklore Adam was considered a golem being made from the dust of the field before God breathed life into him. The name Gollum and Golem is similar in spelling and sound. And Tolkien was the king nerd for words.
But what is a golem? A golem is different than say a homunculus or zombie. A homunculus was a primitive human that was grown in an alchemist laboratory, a precursor to say, Frankenstein's monster. And well a zombie is usually a necrotic corpse brought back from death via some virus or black magic. However a golem is a creature made from clay like Adam in the biblical story that is brought to life by holy powers. Typically a golem is told to come to life when a rabbi has either etched a mystical letter or phrase in Hebrew on the Golem's head or inserted a piece ofparchment with mystical texts into the statue’s mouth. At this point the golem comes to live in sole obedience to the sacred writing, often times to a literal fault like in the tale the Golem of Prague, where a rabbi created a golem to protect a village but it goes awry. Tolkien would have been aware of this myth, and perhaps a possible cross pollination of ideas happening here with a mix of Adam the first golem, Cain the first murder and Grendel from Beowulf birthed the creature Gollum/Smeagol.
Just because I want to geek out on the details, Tolkien also loves the number 50. In the books both Frodo and Bilbo are 50yrs old when they start their adventures. Side note: Why are we so afraid to cast older people as heroes in film? Societal commentary aside, Gollum is a fascinating creature. He's both a villain and his own worse enemy.
One of my most favorite scenes in the Lord of the Rings movies is when Gollum/Smeagol is arguing with himself. You see this imaginary, yet real conflict. A true identity crisis. However as I got to thinking deeper about my affinity for Gollum and his imaginary arguments with himself it reminded me about my own imaginary friend I had as a child.
Between the age of 6-8yrs old I used to have an imaginary friend. Now by imaginary friend I don't mean like having tea parties with someone who isn't in the room or going on physical adventures on playgrounds wearing capes and fighting crime in your bedroom. Nothing like Hulu's brilliant comedy Moone Boy by Chris O'Dowd. No, my imaginary friend only appeared to me in my dreams. He never spoke and he always wore the same outfit. A black hat, a mask covering his eyes and a long trench coat that touched the ground. He would show up in my dreams but mostly in my nightmares to rescue me. I know this is probably strange or peculiar but so is the imagination of children. I came to refer to my imaginary friend as just The Man. And all I had to do in my dreams was to think of him and he would appear then opening his trench coat, inside was made of stars and he would wrap me in it and then we would be magically teleport from whatever nightmare I was having. Now I'm not sure how well other people remember their dreams let alone nightmares from when they were children but I remember many of them quite vividly. You see I had three reoccurring nightmares when I was a kid. Well to put it better I had three reoccurring monsters that haunted me in my dreams. This is a common thing for kids to be afraid of the dark or to think there's a monster under the bed. I remember an episode of Sesame Street where I think Ernie or Cookie Monster keeps seeing strange shapes in the dark that turned out to just be shadows. Nonetheless back to these reoccurring monsters. Their were three of them. The Ostrich, The Face and the most terrible of them all The Kitchen Man.
The Ostrich would try to reach down your throat and steal your voice.
The Face was a disembodied head that would place you inside an inky black windowless and doorless room. The only thing you could see was an eyeless and scarred face leaping forward at you.
Then lastly there was the Kitchen Man. The Kitchen Man was made of refrigerator parts and would steal children inside his chest cavity. When he walked you could see the faint silhouette and light of children screaming from inside him.
These three monsters haunted my dreams as a child, however my imaginary friend would rescue me from them time and time again. Eventually he defeated these creatures, perhaps I'll share how in another podcast, but it was my imaginary friend that was one of my earliest heroes. Then when I was 8yrs old I got a concussion and I remember seeing my imaginary friend one last time as if to say goodbye. I was never haunted by those three monsters again. Obviously this is a sorta strange correlation to Gollum arguing with himself in the dark or the moonlight. But it got me thinking, be it heroic or villainous, it all seems to start in the mind. Our thoughts can twist us or straighten us and while Gollum is a invention of fiction just like my imaginary friend, there's a temptation and perhaps I'm not alone in this, but a temptation to be reclusive and let your mind run wild. And maybe even be your own worst enemy.
One of my favorite jokes from Futurama, episode titled Jurassic Bark, Fry is talking to his dog Seymour and says, “What I like about you best is you're not constantly judging me.” Like a dog is people watching condescendingly. Maybe there's a little self-hate in all of us like the poor miserable Gollum or perhaps there's an inner hero like my imaginary friend The Man.
So today I want to ask you what's your Gollum or your Smeagol? I know it's silly to personify this stuff but today I want to challenge you to give your Gollum a name if it doesn't already have one. And let's chat about it. Feel free to send me an email or message me on Instagram if you'd like to chat. Also am I alone on my imaginary friend story? Is there any personal stories you would like to share about your own imaginary friend? Let me know I'm not alone in my experiences.
Thank you all so much for listening and remember to take care and Go Forth and Nerd!
Welcome back to Go Forth and Nerd! This is Jesse Bray, also know as Mr. Bray, and I am your resident nerd!
In this episode we're going to talk about a super old folktale.
Disclaimer, we're gonna get real, like more real than we've ever been on Go Forth and Nerd. So fair warning! We're sailing toward some rough seas ahead.
Rumplestiltskin - is a story about a girl that is forced upon pain of death, to spin straw into gold. However through her bargaining with a magical creature she was able to complete this impossible task.
Now to give a little background before we dive into this myth:
Rumplestiltskin like I previously said is quite old. Some scholars have argued that this tale is a few thousand years old. This story also has many differing cultural renditions from Arabic to Asian countries to the more prevailing versions in the West which originated from the Eastern European traditions.
Side note, I’m often fascinated at the reasons behind a story that causes it to endure. Why do we keep telling and retelling certain stories? Is there something particularly significant that keeps them alive? Keeping that in mind I believe that this story is both a tragedy and a reflection of very real toxic behavior. Which you'll see when we dig into this tale in a moment. Last thing, just another reminder before we begin since we’re usually pretty lighthearted on Go Forth and Nerd I want to point out the power of storytelling and how just like in the real world life is not always rainbows and unicorns. So without further delay…
There once was a Miller that desperately desired the favorability of the Prince. He loved telling elaborate stories attempting to capture the Prince's attention. Until one day the Miller said to the Prince, “My daughter is so talented she can spin straw into gold.” This immediately arrested the Prince's attention so he quickly replied to the Miller, "I demand to have your daughter brought to my palace this evening.” The Miller now both overjoyed for gaining an audience with the Prince also mingled with dread as he realized he had sold his daughter to the Prince on false pretense. The Miller raced home and enthusiastically told his daughter he had spoken to the Prince and that he would like to see her at his palace this evening, of course omitting the details that the Prince will be expecting her to spin straw into gold. The Miller's daughter excited and eager at the chance to prove her quality she wholeheartedly hurried to the palace summons.
However once she arrived the Prince ushered her to a small room filled with straw and a spinning wheel and said to her, “Spin all this straw into gold by morning or I will cut your head off!” He then quickly parted and locked the door behind him leaving the Miller’s daughter trapped inside. The poor Miller’s daughter didn’t have a clue what to do. As the minutes bled into hours her anxiety of the impending doom turned her into a weeping mess. Not long after she had broken down into tears a strange impish looking creature appeared before the Miller’s daughter. The creature approaching the girl said, “Miss Miller, why are you crying?” The girl looked up at the creature and replied, “I was told to spin all this straw into gold by morning or I will be killed! And I have no hope of what to do.” The impish man replied, “What will you give me to spin all this straw into gold?” The girl now puzzled, yet with a new found hope said, “My necklace.” The creature nodded his head in agreement as she handed him the necklace. In a flash of lightning the ugly creature began to magically spin the straw into gold. The next morning the Prince opening the door was temporarily blinded by the light of the reflection of sunlight bouncing off all the freshly spun gold. The Miller’s daughter, exhausted, was asleep in the golden threads while the impish creature had clearly disappeared somewhere into the shadows. The Prince, now thoroughly pleased, ordered the Miller’s daughter to be given a glass of water and a crust of bread. Then quickly she was forced into an even larger room piled high with straw and a spinning wheel positioned in the midst. Cracking a greedy smile the Prince said to the girl, “Spin all this straw into gold by morning or I’ll cut your head off!” Then he slammed the door behind her locking it again from the outside. The Miller’s daughter this time frantically tried to recall the technique of the impish creature to see if there was any way she could replicate his magical skills. Again, like before, her anxieties slowly crushed her to tears as the hours passed and longer shadows were cast across the room. Also like before, the impish creature appeared and asked, “Miss Miller, why are you crying?” The Miller’s daughter replied, “I have to spin all this straw into gold by morning or the Prince will cut my head off!” The creature in response said, “What will you give me to spin this into gold?” The Miller’s daughter said, “You may have my ring.” The impish man snatched the ring from her grasp and wildly began spinning all the straw in the room into gold. Morning arrived and like before, the Miller’s daughter had fallen asleep a midst the golden threads, the impish man now gone, as the Prince burst open the door. Now the Prince's greed being in full control he ushered her into an enormous acre-sized room filled wall to wall and touching the ceiling with hay. The Prince barked at the Miller's daughter, “Now you must spin all this straw into gold by morning or I will cut your head off! However, if you do this I’ll marry you and make you my Queen.” Again like the previous night, the Miller's daughter lost hope and began to weep. And like the previous evenings the strange impish creature appeared saying, “Why are you crying Miss Miller?" This time the Miller's daughter replied, "I have to spin all this straw into gold or I will be killed. However I have nothing left to give you!" Then the creature replied to her, “Give me your firstborn child and I'll perform this task for you!" The Miller's daughter was conflicted but reluctantly agreed to save herself from this present turmoil also thinking that the time when she'd have this supposed child would be long and far off. The impish creature took off like a whirlwind as he wildly spun the monumental mounds of straw into fine threads of gold, like a spider constructing a delicate web. The next morning the creature was gone, the girl again asleep in the golden fibers and the Prince's greed at last satisfied at the cavernous room of new treasure. So the Prince, true to his word, married the Miller's daughter and made her his Queen. Sometime later the Miller's daughter, now the Queen, conceived a child, a boy. Now it happened while she was alone with her infant child the strange impish creature reappeared saying, “The time has come for me to collect what you owe me. Now give me your child!" The Queen, filled with dread, begged and pleaded to give the ugly man anything else in the kingdom. The creature only replied, “Nothing to me is as valuable as a life!" However, the Queen's persistent tears and begging wore the man down and he relented to give her one last chance keep her baby. Saying, “If you can guess my name correctly in three days you may keep your child! However if after the end of the third day you haven’t guessed my name then the child is mine to keep!” So the first day she compiled a massive list of obscure names and read them aloud to the creature, after which he replied, “No, that is not my name!" The second day arrived and having scoured the countryside, she listed off even more peculiar and strange-sounding names. After reading them the impish man replied, “No that is not my name!” The evening of the second day the Queen was in complete distress so she decided to dress herself up in peasant clothing and went door to door requesting names she could add to her list and final attempt at guessing the creature’s name. Feeling defeated, she began to walk home and came across a odd-looking cottage with an enormous fire. As she approached the cottage she saw the impish man laughing and dancing around the fire singing, "I spun straw to gold and bargained for the soul, the Queen’s own son, who never will know that my name is Rumplestiltskin!" Hearing this, the Queen hurriedly snuck out and back to the palace. The next day the impish man presented himself to the Queen, this time in a irritatingly smug tone. "It is the third day and you haven't guess my name so now give me what you owe me! Give me your child!" "Wait, just a moment,” the Queen replied, "I'm still allowed to guess today being the third day.” The Queen looking sheepish said, "Is your name Rumplestiltskin?" The impish man’s smug little grin quickly melted away to rage! "What!!! The devil told you! The devil told you!” Rumpelstiltskin in a rage stomped his foot violently into the ground then in a supernatural strength of chaos he attempted to pull his leg free as he ripped himself in two. The scattered remains of Rumplestiltskin then faded to dust as the Queen was left alone with her child. Finally free to enjoy her life with her child the Queen and her child lived happily ever after.
So let’s break down some of these pictures within pictures here:
Firstly, Rumplestiltskin is the only character in this story that has a name. Now this is a quite universal theme you see in magical stories. Fairies, or magical creatures often have a special power in their name. To know someone’s name has a power to it. This is something that Bilbo Baggins is aware of in the Hobbit when he’s talking to Smaug the Dragon. A name has power and while this is central to this story it is also important to point out that the Miller’s daughter, an almost non-character, does not have a name, just a title.
Secondly there is the necklace that the Miller’s daughter gives as her first payment to Rumplestiltskin - a necklace has a symbolic meaning, this could potentially have been a locket. It is highly likely that this necklace offered a sentimentality to it, or possibly an heirloom. So here we have this girl selling her past to Rumplestiltskin.
Thirdly we have the girl selling her ring to Rumplestiltskin - a ring depending on the exact timing and demographic has a very specific significance. Her ring would be a sign of her identity, status, often there was an anagram on rings that people would use to seal letters with wax. Her ring was tied to her just like her necklace. By giving up her ring she was giving up her present.
Lastly the Miller’s daughter has to sell her child to this creature for her own comfort. In many versions of this story they depict her child as a baby boy, the boy would be the royal heir to the throne. The point here is the Miller’s daughter is now giving up her future to Rumplestiltskin.
Her past, the necklace, her sentimentality! Her present the ring, her signature and identity! Her future, her first born child!
I have more I want to share but let’s take a quick rabbit trail to a parallel idea in Hans Christian Anderson’s classic tale The Ugly Duckling. The Ugly Duckling is about inner beauty and the abused. A quick synopsis of the story: a poor, little duckling is regarded as so ugly and undesirable that he is despised and tortured by everyone, even his own mother, who pecks at him, until eventually he runs away. However, the duckling’s luck eventually turns when he grows up to become a beautiful swan. Unfortunately he was treated so poorly that he has immense trouble recognizing that he is now a beautiful swan. I have many particular thoughts about this story. My prevailing point is that true beauty in this tale is not external but internal and the duckling was treated cruel so much that it gave him a complex so strong that he mistook his own beauty. Just like the poor Miller’s daughter, she was most likely mistreated by her father’s sycophantic tendencies - which lead to her codependent behavior, such as being eager to please the greedy prince. Which in turn the Prince being a monster pays her miraculous ability to spin straw into gold with a crust of bread after the first night. Oh and let’s be real if homegirl could spin straw into gold she wouldn’t be making gold for this tyrant! She’d be lining her own pockets with this gold! There’s an excellent Jewish proverb that says, “Truly competent workers won’t work for common people but kings and rulers,” which here means if she really had the said skills she’d be making the terms not taking demands from some monstrous dictator.
Back to the Prince, the third time she was able to complete this impossible task he gives her this sadistic offer - “if you do this I’ll marry you and make you my Queen.” Which come on! What a horrible reality for this girl, lose your life or lose your soul, do the impossible and live to marry your captor. Then finally we have Rumplestiltskin, the covert antagonist. This dude, perhaps he knew all along that the Prince was in financial trouble, or that he could overthrow the Prince’s rule by raising the heir, his son that he’d bargained away from the Miller’s daughter, adding my own subtext here. Either way Rumplestiltskin is no hero. The story ends with Rumplestiltskin dead and the Miller’s daughter now the Queen holding her child in her arms safe to live happily ever after, sorta. Some heavy stuff!
I want to bring this story home a bit with a personal story:
When I was 19yrs old I was homeless. I had enlisted in the military because I wanted to go to college and that was the only door available to me at the time. Then 9/11 happened and my recruiter pushed out my departure date. So I had to wait another two months to leave for my military training. Well being a kid of 19 I hadn't saved much money beyond my date that I was to leave. So my father said I could do some grunt work at his company, to pay for rent while they let me stay at his house for the two months they pushed out my military date. However, about a month into working for my Dad I ended up slipping off a ladder and breaking my arm. That day my dad fired me to avoid having me file a worker’s comp claim, then he booted me from his house since I couldn't work to pay rent. The military getting news of my broken arm un-enlisted me. So having nowhere else to go I went to my grandparent’s and they gave me an old van and some bedding and sent me on my way. So here I was homeless, with a broken arm and I had to live in my van. Eventually a "friend of mine" let me park my van outside his parent’s house and they would allow me to occasionally share a meal with them and even borrow an outlet for an extension cord so I could power a tiny space heater in my van at night because by now it was entering late fall/early winter time. Since I had no money and I couldn't get any work until my arm healed up I was living off animal crackers and dry top ramen. I soon got walking pneumonia and a chronic cough - even to the point where I was coughing blood. Eventually my arm healed but I was still very sick and it wasn't until I received my tax return that I had money to purchase some antibiotics. It was only at this point when the people that let me park my van outside their house they now decided they would let me sleep in their spare room while I healed up via my antibiotics, but it was back into my van after morning. This was one of the saddest times on my life. However, for many years after these people tried to pretend that they were my surrogate family because of the experience and even nicknamed me their number 2 child. Obviously this an uncomfortable story to hear. But it happened and it was my reality. It took me several more years to realize this idea that this "surrogate family" was toxic - they were cruel to me and I was being forced to be grateful for their crust of bread and glass of water so to speak. This is where even though I'm a seemingly privileged white man I can passionately and emphatically relate to the poor Miller’s daughter in the Rumplestiltskin story. There are cruel people out there; some passively cruel like the Millers. Some like the Prince that mistreated you but demand respect, and some covert villains like Rumplestiltskin. Now obviously I've grown and evolved far beyond these incredibly unfortunate and humbling circumstances and I have lots of room in my heart to love people, I've even forgiven my father, and even many other people that have wronged me but the truth is, stories like this happen all the time. And story is at the cornerstone of who we are as people. Stories have meaning!
Stories can give us the power to relate and relay strength, change, courage, heart ache, loss, joy and a plethora of other emotional or personal truths. Stories are so much more than a way for us to be entertained and escape reality- so this week I wanna drop a heavy question on you today: Who is your Rumplestiltskin? Who is the person or thing that's got you down? I don't want to call people out or make anyone feel uncomfortable but just to dial up the real-o-meter, would you like to chat about that with a fellow friend? I may not know the details of what you're going through but I am able to understand your pain. Feel free to send me an email - let me be an ear for you. You're not alone. Sometimes we need to get real! The truth is if you've read the Hobbit (I’ve been a huge fan of the films and I just recently read the Hobbit, not going to lie I infinitely enjoyed the book much much more), the truth is there's dragons in our life sometimes. And even though it's beyond us to imagine how we're going to deal with this impossible monster, that creature is laying on top of an incomprehensible treasure. So let's slay these dragons together and enjoy the treasures of being truly who we are! Thank you all so very much for listening and I hope this particular episode let’s you know you're not alone, take courage and care and remember to go forth and nerd!
upon hearing this episode of the podcast my father was so upset that I shared this story we have since stop speaking with each other. He wanted to muzzle me from sharing the truth. I was unfortunately mistaken that he had grown as a person and that thought he had felt bad about being responsible for me being homeless and almost dying. Remember this if someone wants to gaslight your experience it's a clear sign you're healthier without them.