Music Is Like Faith 🎶
On February 10th 2018 my mother lost her battle with cancer. She was only 59 years old and she died in a Canadian hospital. I never got a chance to see or speak to her before she passed but I did get a chance right before the end to send her a goodbye audio message. It was a heart wrenching and soul crushing time for me, beyond just losing my mother. My mother and I were estranged. While the discovery of her cancer in November on 2017 was news to me I knew my mother was unwell for many many years prior. My mother was mentally ill. And her mental illness was the greatest component to why we were not on speaking terms.
It’s difficult for me to write this however as I approach her one year death anniversary I need to share the things I’ve been processing. If by chance you’re the kind of person that finds faith, belief in God or an afterlife offensive, if you choose to continue to keep reading please keep in mind this is about my experiences and what I personally believe. I believe in God and I believe in the afterlife. I’m a Christian albeit with I’m sure a great many contradictions in my beliefs both personal and political. I could say I’m probably more liberal than most and maybe more conservative than some. Yet to me faith is such a beautiful thing. I liken faith to music. Music isn’t just about parties or good times. Music is a comfort to the highs and the lows. Music can help you feel less alone, be your friend, or even be that depressing little companion when you’re feeling down. Music can understand you better than a lover or intoxicate you into a roller coaster of emotions. Music much like faith can be intellectually stimulating or shallow and very surface. The correlation to life events are often marked with both music and faith. We celebrate our weddings and solemnly conduct our funerals. Music and faith are even crossed over into each other as they both can express a depth or thirst deep deep within our dry and parched souls.
It is this comfort and solace I take in music that I’ve had profound revelations and wept the most deeply. It is also the place where I’ve experience God’s love and a universe of pain. The day my mother died was a Saturday. I had received the news that my mother was approaching the end and was no longer speaking. I drove my car to a park overlooking some water and saw a group of Canadian geese. I had my journal, my bible open and a song on repeat. The song was “Psalm 36” written by King David and performed by the band Third Day. The song was inspired when King David was fleeing for his life from supposed loved ones that were trying to kill him. David also a musician eventually turned the verses that despite all the hardships around him the creator of the universe still loves him and all creatures. For me I found great comfort in this song. It makes me feel connected. Connected to the pain of one of the greatest King’s in history and connected with the pain we all experience. And it’s this pain that leads me to finally be comforted. I believe my mother is with her maker and that while my heart is broken I’m free to begin to heal. If you are hurting know you're not alone and there’s a song that understands.
I miss you mommy,