Journal Entry: August 11th, 2019
I want to preface this subject of “Baggage” before I begin: if people find your sincerity, or intensity or authenticity too hard to handle that's their problem not yours. You're looking to be a whole person and they're to caught up in hiding who they are. They're shallow to a fault and that's gross but not uncommon and not your crusade. You be the truest you and let everyone else wrestle with themselves.
Baggage, we all have it but we just don't like to admit it. We can either talk about it and learn to live with it; and hopefully find others that understand and overlook it. Or we can pretend it isn't there and go on never growing or freeing ourselves.
Baggage is just apart of life.
I've got baggage, and lots of it! From childhood stuff, body and mind issues to relationships and even faith. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life and I've also been very stupid at times and thought both wrong and very ignorant things. I want to give myself a pass but that's often easier said than done.
My biggest baggage today is surviving divorce. All the reasons why aside, for me being now divorced I feel a bit like a relational loser. I lost my best friend and wife of twelve years. Sure she wanted to leave me and I fought like heaven and hell to make it work. But she wanted out. Her heart left me years before telling me and when her feet caught up I was spinning in the whirlwind of pain and loss. I'll always love her but my truth is she betrayed me. She abandoned me. And my heart is in a million pieces. I've lost over 25lbs in less than two months. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. It's hard to breathe most days and it is a constant battle to force myself to eat, shower and get out of bed. Have I made you feel uncomfortable yet? If so then my sincerity is challenging you to see my pain. We all have pain. Life involves pain. But how do we move from pain that becomes a scar instead of a festering wound? Truth be told I'm still working on that.
I'm not trying to offer quick fixes or a sermonette about how easy this is. Heaven's no! If I knew how to fix this stuff I would of a long time ago. I'm just sharing my baggage in hopes to free my soul from holding on to it all the time. And possibly to encourage the random reader as well to let go of a bit of their own baggage too.
Next month I'm planning on moving to Southern California. Eventually landing in the Hollywood area. Basically for work opportunities and a fresh start. Personally I see it as a spiritual experience. I need to let go of the past. I'm whole heartedly reluctant to leave my old life but my wife destroyed that life so there's nothing here that truly resembles it. If I was to stay in Portland, Oregon I'd have to forge twice as hard to believe in myself as I'm haunted by every landmark of my old life. If I was to stay here that would be for me to choose to live in a relationship cemetery, one where I'll never find life just gravestone reminders. I know this probably sounds romantic or overly dramatic. But I am a romantic and this is both how I feel and see my world. Like I said I've got baggage. And I'm trying to let some of it go or at least learn to live with the weight. Thanks for listening and thank you for following my journey.