The Top 10 Disney Films – A Brutal Roast & Toast (With Just Enough Self-Loathing to Keep It Relatable)
Alright, folks, let’s be real—Disney is the supreme overlord of animated movies. They’ve been running the cartoon game for nearly a century, churning out films so iconic that entire generations of kids have burned their childhood innocence into VHS tapes, DVDs, and now soulless streaming platforms that remove movies whenever they feel like it.
But here’s the thing: for every jaw-dropping masterpiece Disney has given us, they’ve also given us some deeply unsettling themes, unhinged plotlines, and enough nightmare fuel to warrant an entire therapy industry.
So today, I present to you:
The Top 10 Disney Films – Roasted, Toasted, and Analyzed by Someone Who Probably Needs to Go Outside More
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10. The Lion King (1994) – AKA “Hamlet, But With More Furry Bait”
Roast: You ever realize this movie is just Hamlet for kids, but instead of existential dread, we get a warthog farting in a meerkat’s face? This film had the nerve to traumatize an entire generation by yeeting Mufasa off a cliff in the most brutal father-death scene since Bambi’s mom. And let’s not ignore the fact that Scar was basically running a dictatorship with an army of hyenas who somehow didn’t eat him first.
Toast: That soundtrack? FLAWLESS. Elton John did NOT have to go that hard on “Circle of Life,” but he did, and we are better people for it. Also, let’s be honest—Scar is lowkey the best Disney villain of all time. Dude had the voice of Jeremy Irons and the energy of a bitter theater kid who got cast as “Tree #3” in a school play.
Self-Deprecation: Watching this as a kid? Sobbed. Watching it as an adult? Sobbed harder, but in a more existential way. Also, I unironically tried to sing “Be Prepared” in the shower once and almost slipped on a bar of soap.
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9. Beauty and the Beast (1991) – AKA “Stockholm Syndrome, But Make It a Musical”
Roast: Let’s not sugarcoat this: Belle fell in love with her kidnapper. This man **locked her in a castle, threw a tantrum over soup, and had literal talking furniture peer-pressuring her into romance. Also, let’s talk about how Gaston was right. I mean, the Beast literally had an entire dungeon—maybe Gaston just had a basic sense of public safety.
Toast: That ballroom scene? Chef’s kiss. The animation team straight-up invented CGI for that one moment. And Belle? Actually a top-tier Disney protagonist. She was out here reading books and roasting idiots, which, honestly, is the dream.
Self-Deprecation: I once thought Lumière was the most sophisticated Disney character ever… only to realize he was basically just a French frat bro who sang about pressuring dinner guests into eating mystery meat.
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8. Aladdin (1992) – AKA “Wish Fulfillment, Literally”
Roast: My guy Aladdin was out here committing identity fraud and we all just went along with it. He gaslit an entire kingdom into thinking he was royalty and won over Jasmine by lying at every opportunity. Also, Jafar’s evil plan was literally just ‘Get a government job and work your way up the ladder.’ That’s not villainy, that’s called “career ambition.”
Toast: Robin Williams as the Genie. End of discussion. This man delivered a voice performance so good it carried the entire movie. Also, “A Whole New World” is the most dangerously singable Disney song of all time.
Self-Deprecation: I once tried to do the “magic carpet lean” while singing A Whole New World… in my living room. Result? A bruised knee, a broken chair, and a shattered ego.
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7. The Little Mermaid (1989) – AKA “Sell Your Soul for a Man, the Movie”
Roast: Ariel really said, “I’ll permanently alter my DNA for a dude I saw once.” Homegirl traded her entire voice, culture, and ability to swim for some dude with great hair but no actual personality. Also, King Triton? Dude literally caused the whole plot by being a bad dad. If he’d just let Ariel date a fish boy from the reef, we wouldn’t even have a movie.
Toast: Ursula is a QUEEN. She had charisma, business sense, and a killer wardrobe. Honestly, she deserved to rule the ocean. And let’s be honest, “Under the Sea” slaps harder than my rent payments.
Self-Deprecation: I used to think Eric was the perfect prince. Then I realized he fell in love with a mute girl who washed up on shore like a drowned rat. Dude was just lonely.
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6. Mulan (1998) – AKA “Cross-Dressing and War Crimes for Family Honor”
Roast: The entire plot of this movie is based on a teenager committing federal fraud. Mulan forged government documents, stole a horse, and committed identity theft. But because she did it for “honor,” Disney just lets it slide. Also, let’s talk about how the Huns survived an avalanche like they were in a Fast & Furious movie.
Toast: Mulan is hands-down one of the best Disney protagonists ever. She saved China, roasted men for their fragile masculinity, and did it all with the voice of Ming-Na Wen. Also, “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” could single-handedly bring back gym memberships.
Self-Deprecation: I once tried to do Mulan’s sword pose in front of a mirror. I fell, hit my dresser, and had to explain a forehead bruise to my coworkers.
5. Hercules (1997) – AKA “Greek Mythology, But With More Jazz Hands”
Roast: First of all, this movie has the historical accuracy of a fever dream. Disney took one look at Greek mythology and said, “What if we made it into a 90-minute motivational poster?” In actual mythology, Hercules killed his entire family in a fit of rage. In Disney? He’s just a confused himbo with the upper body strength of a literal god and the emotional range of a piece of toast.
Also, WHY is Hades the only competent character? Dude ran the underworld, had an army, and was doing just fine until Hercules and his five brain cells showed up. If anything, Zeus is the real villain here—man had one job (raise his son) and instead decided to just yeet him to Earth and hope for the best.
Toast: The Muses carried this entire film. The moment they started singing, I knew this movie had more soul than my actual soul. And yes, I still sing “I Won’t Say I’m in Love” like it’s a legally required breakup anthem.
Self-Deprecation: As a kid, I thought Phil’s training montage would make me want to exercise. Instead, I ate a bag of Doritos while watching it. To this day, I still think about working out whenever I hear “Zero to Hero”—and then immediately sit down.
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4. Frozen (2013) – AKA “Sibling Trauma and Ice Lasers”
Roast: The core message of this movie is “your sister ignored you for a decade, but it’s fine because she has magic hands now.” Elsa spent years freezing out her only friend, and we’re just supposed to accept that she’s the hero?
Also, Hans played the long game better than most Disney villains. My guy waited for years, dated Anna for like 10 minutes, and nearly stole an entire kingdom. Meanwhile, Kristoff—our actual romantic lead—was out here talking to a reindeer like it was his therapist.
Toast: Frozen gave us one of the most overplayed songs in human history, but let’s be real—it’s a banger. Elsa’s ice palace animation alone set the entire animation industry back three years because it was so detailed. Also, Olaf is somehow the most emotionally stable character, and that says a lot.
Self-Deprecation: I once tried to hit the high note in “Let It Go” in my car and immediately pulled something in my throat. The only thing I let go was my dignity.
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3. Finding Nemo (2003) – AKA “Single Dad Anxiety: The Movie”
Roast: Marlin’s entire personality is just “What if anxiety was a fish?” The dude went on an ocean-wide manhunt for his son, and somehow a fish with memory loss was the most competent sidekick. Also, can we talk about how the sharks literally had an AA meeting for eating their own kind?
And don’t even get me started on Darla, the psycho child who shook fish to death. Where were this girl’s parents? Why was she allowed in public? That kid should be on a watchlist.
Toast: The animation in this movie? So good it ruined my expectations for real life. Also, Dory carried this film. Without her, Marlin would have cried himself into a tide pool.
Self-Deprecation: Watching this movie as a kid? Terrifying. Watching it as an adult? Even worse, because now I understand why Marlin was freaking out. I’ve misplaced my phone for two minutes and had a full-on crisis—this dude lost his CHILD.
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2. Pocahontas (1995) – AKA “History? Never Heard of It.”
Roast: This movie really said, “What if we took a tragic real-life story and made it… a musical?” Nothing like turning colonialism into a magical romance. Also, Pocahontas was 10 years old in real life. But Disney said, “Nah, make her 20 and give her a perfect blowout.”
Also, John Smith had zero personality. His whole character arc was “I showed up and decided to be less racist than my friends.” Congratulations? The bar is on the floor.
Toast: Colors of the Wind is an undeniable masterpiece. That song alone deserved its own Oscar. Also, Meeko the raccoon had more character development than John Smith, and I respect that.
Self-Deprecation: I used to think this was historically accurate. Then I read a book and realized this movie was basically fanfiction with a soundtrack.
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1. Cinderella (1950) – AKA “Just Get Better Shoes, Girl”
Roast: Cinderella’s entire plan was “change my outfit and hope my problems disappear.” And it worked. The Prince didn’t even remember her face. My guy was out here holding a royal manhunt over a SHOE. Not her voice, not her personality—just one extremely niche foot size.
Also, how did the glass slipper not shatter? The moment she stepped on cobblestone, that thing should have exploded.
Toast: Despite its nonsense, this movie is peak Disney magic. The animation, the fairy godmother scene, the **“Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo” nonsense—it’s all iconic.
Self-Deprecation: I once tried to put on a shoe a size too small to see if I could “Cinderella” my way into it. End result? Lost circulation in my foot and had to wobble around for 10 minutes.
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Final Thoughts: I Love These Movies, But Let’s Be Honest…
Yes, I just roasted all of these films. Yes, they are deeply flawed. But do I love them anyway? Absolutely.
Now it’s your turn—argue with me in the comments. What movie deserved MORE roasting? Which one do you irrationally love even though it makes no sense?
Cinderella: The Original Foot Fetish Fairytale
Roast: Let’s just address the glass-slippered elephant in the room—Cinderella is the OG foot fetish movie, and we all just let it slide.
Think about it. The prince had one job: find the love of his life. But did he remember her face? Nope. Her voice? Not a chance. Her general vibe? Absolutely not. The man saw one (1) dainty foot and decided, “Yeah, this is the only way I can identify her.”
And Disney doubled down on this. Entire scenes are just close-ups of women desperately trying to squeeze their feet into the slipper like it’s a 4-inch heel from the clearance rack at Payless. Meanwhile, Prince Charming is out here, personally supervising the royal foot inspections like Quentin Tarantino’s spiritual ancestor.
Oh, and let’s not forget the sheer logistical nonsense of this glass slipper test.
• What if someone had the same shoe size?
• What if Cinderella’s foot was just swollen that day?
• What if the prince had a slight memory and was like, “Hmm, maybe I should just… look at her face?”
But nah. It’s all about the feet.
Toast: The fairy godmother sequence? Still iconic. The animation? Stunning. The fact that this movie somehow made me root for a woman whose only strategy for escaping poverty was getting better shoes? Impressive.
Self-Deprecation: As a kid, I thought the whole glass slipper thing was romantic. As an adult, I realize Cinderella got engaged to a man who literally did not recognize her outside of foot measurements. Meanwhile, I can barely recognize my own socks after they go through the wash.
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So yeah. Cinderella? A magical fairytale, yes. But also? The original blueprint for foot-obsessed weirdos everywhere.
Now, argue with me in the comments—was Prince Charming just an incompetent romantic, or did he have some “preferences” we should be concerned about? And while you’re at it, check out my YouTube channel for more animation takes, cartoons, and poor life choices.
